Carnal Caveman Confessions: The Queer, R-Rated History of Neanderthal-Human Hookups
A steamy look at queer prehistoric affairs, shared DNA, and the ancient spark shaping us today.
The Origin Story: Humans and Neanderthals, Sitting in a Cave…
Picture it: Roughly 40,000 years ago, two prehistoric hotties lock eyes across a fire-lit cavern. One’s a Neanderthal — tall, muscular, sporting thick brow ridges. The other? An early modern human — maybe more lithe, with an angular jaw and equally intense curiosity. Whose heart (and other organs) fluttered first, we’ll never know. But we can say with confidence: they got it on, and not just once.
While modern gossip revolves around things like “who’s hooking up with who on reality TV,” the prehistoric version was arguably more scandalous. Nowadays, genetic evidence confirms that our ancestors and Neanderthals got very friendly. In fact, we all carry around 1-3% Neanderthal DNA (except for a few folks with even higher percentages). Yet mainstream science usually frames these encounters as strictly heterosexual. Could there have been some same-sex cave action? Totally possible. We have no fossil record of sexual orientation, so who’s to say a pair of Neanderthal men (or women!) never enjoyed a little cozy time by the campfire?
The Carpathian Connection
In the early 2000s, explorers discovered the Peştera cu Oase (“Cave with Bones”) near Anina, Romania. After neck-deep wading, scuba-diving, and squeezing through tight passages, they stumbled on a hidden chamber full of cave-bear bones — and a human jawbone dated to 37,000-42,000 years old. DNA tests revealed the owner was roughly 6-9% Neanderthal, meaning his (or his parent’s) fling with a Neanderthal happened only four to six generations earlier. That’s about as close as a great-great-grandparent.
Those steamy cross-species hookups clearly weren’t one-offs, either. Traces of Neanderthal genes pop up in people across Europe, Asia, and even in some African populations (through later back-migration). Bottom line: humans back then didn’t discriminate too much when it came to hooking up — a mindset we in the queer community can definitely appreciate.
Caveman Sex Acts 101: How Might They Have Gotten It On?
Okay, let’s get explicit — because we know you’re curious. Archaeological evidence can’t directly confirm which acts prehistoric lovers preferred, let alone if two men (or two women) engaged in them. But based on general human behavior and the fact that these folks had the same fundamental equipment we do, we can make some educated guesses:
Oral Sex:
Is it possible cavemen performed oral on each other? There’s no reason to assume they didn’t. Humans have been known to experiment sexually for millennia, and there’s nothing biologically preventing a Neanderthal from giving (or receiving) a prehistoric blow job.
Saliva would be available (and free), so if they were feeling extra adventurous, it might also have doubled as lube (more on that below).
Anal Sex:
With male-male pairings, anal is a strong possibility. The concept of penetrative sex is hardly a modern invention. Though we have no direct cave-painting erotica to confirm, it’s safe to say a good portion of sexual positions we enjoy today weren’t discovered yesterday.
If we’re talking lubrication, options would have been limited. Saliva is the easiest guess, but folks could also have used animal fats or oils from crushed nuts/seeds (both were part of many prehistoric diets). Our ancestors were resourceful, after all!
Mutual Masturbation:
Simple, requires no special language, minimal resources, and can be quite intimate. Again, there’s zero reason to think this wouldn’t have been a thing. Evolutionary biology shows that manual stimulation is common among many primate species — no big leap to assume our ancestors enjoyed it, too.
Let’s be clear: these are assumptions based on how humans generally behave. We don’t have a time machine or a prehistoric sex manual. But if you consider how sexual curiosity spans cultures and species, it’s reasonable to think that Neanderthals and early humans were just as inventive in the bedroom (or cave) as we are now.
You Wanna Talk About Size? Let’s Talk About Size.
When discussing caveman sex, one question always creeps up: “How big were their packages” Especially among gay men, size can be a spicy topic. Sadly, skeletons don’t preserve this, and we can’t dig up a petrified Neanderthal phallus. But let’s look at a few factors:
Hormones & Digit Ratios:
Researchers sometimes examine “digit ratios” (the lengths of the index vs. ring finger) to gauge prenatal testosterone levels. In Neanderthals, the data hints they were exposed to slightly higher testosterone than modern humans but lower than some great apes. This might suggest robust sexual development — i.e., big muscles, maybe larger genitals. But that’s speculative.
Keep in mind, though, that a lower digit ratio doesn’t automatically mean you’ve got a bigger penis. It’s just one measure among many.
Species Comparisons:
Our close relatives (chimpanzees) often have smaller penises than humans. But gorillas, which are physically imposing, also tend to have relatively small equipment. Humans are actually on the higher end of the primate penis-size spectrum overall.
Since Neanderthals were closely related to us — more so than chimps or gorillas — it’s plausible their average penis size wasn’t drastically different from that of a modern man. They might’ve been slightly bigger or smaller on average; we truly don’t know.
Testicles & Mating Strategies:
Generally, species with lots of sperm competition (think: multiple partners in quick succession) can evolve bigger testicles to produce more sperm. Some anthropologists guess that Neanderthals weren’t hyper-promiscuous as a group, suggesting no extreme need for massive testicles.
On the flip side, if Neanderthals had more casual flings with multiple partners (including potential same-sex pairings), maybe testicle size was larger. We lack firm evidence either way, so we can only say this: we’re not talking baboon-level extremes, but they certainly weren’t going to be shy in the locker room, either.
In short, there’s no definitive data to say Neanderthals had bigger or smaller packages than modern humans. We do know they were stockier with robust skeletons and large muscle attachments, so it’s not a wild leap to think some might have been quite impressive below the waist. But again—pure speculation.
That Prehistoric Kiss (and Everything Else)
Beyond the curiosity about who was hooking up with whom, we have real evidence that Neanderthal-human rendezvous shaped our species’ future. Studies of ancient dental plaque suggest they exchanged oral microbes through kissing or sharing food. We also likely swapped STDs such as HPV and herpes. Not the sexiest souvenirs, but it does prove how intimate these interactions were.
Fast-forward to modern times: people of European or Asian descent carry 1-3% Neanderthal DNA, and some folks in Europe (like our friend in the Romanian cave) had even higher percentages. African populations, though historically more distant from Neanderthals, ended up with some Neanderthal genes through migrations back into Africa. Bottom line: we’re all part-caveman (or cavewoman) on some level. That includes our capacity for exploring desire beyond strict heterosexual boundaries.
Evolution, Extinction, and Endless Possibilities
Scientists believe these unions had real consequences. We picked up genes that boosted immunity or helped us adapt to new environments. Neanderthals, on the other hand, may not have survived the wave of new diseases we brought. One theory is that we gradually “absorbed” them as our populations merged — eventually leading to their disappearance as a distinct group. But don’t mourn them too hard: about 20% of their genome still lives on, spread among us modern Homo sapiens.
As for whether Neanderthal men regularly paired up with other men, we can’t confirm. But given the diversity of human sexual behavior and the lack of evidence against same-sex encounters, it’s absolutely possible. We just don’t have the cave paintings to prove it. So if you’re reading this and feeling a little primal attraction to a buff, big-boned imaginary Neanderthal? You’re not alone.
Our Caveperson Heritage Endures
Let’s be real: the past is rarely as prudish as people think — and that includes any prehistoric fantasies you might entertain. If “Neanderthal erotica” never occurred to you, well, now it might. And why not? Humans have been pushing the boundaries of sex, love, and identity for millennia.
So the next time someone cracks a joke about your “caveman side,” just remember: that side may have had all kinds of fun, with any number of partners (yes, including those of the same sex). The evidence of cross-species attraction and gene-swapping is in your very DNA. And that’s something to celebrate, not hide.
Cheers to those ancient hotties who ventured beyond the familiar, forging bonds that transcend time and species. We’ll raise a glass — or a lump of carved stone — to the bold, unspoken queerness that might have thrived in that twilight world of cave fires and eagle-taloned bracelets. Cheers indeed!