How to Start Exploring an Open Relationship with Your Partner

What to ask yourself, how to talk to your partner, and where to begin — a practical guide from sexual empowerment coach Kevin Martin.

Meet Kevin Martin. Your Guide to Sexual Empowerment

At Gayety, we spotlight voices pushing queer culture forward, and today, we're proud to share our first guest article from someone outside the art world.

Meet Kevin Martin, a sexual empowerment coach for gay+ men.

With a background in holistic wellness and a commitment to helping people shed shame and embrace their authenticity, Kevin brings a grounded, compassionate approach to intimacy and connection.

Through his work, Kevin empowers gay men to build healthier relationships — with themselves, their partners, and their desires. In this piece, he guides us through what it's like to explore an open relationship.

Whether you're curious, cautious, or already halfway there, Kevin invites you to consider what openness could look like for you without pressure, without shame, and entirely on your terms.

What Is an Open Relationship and What Is It Not?

Hey y'all, my name is Kevin Martin. I've been coaching gay men for over a decade, helping more than a thousand clients around the world reclaim their identity by releasing shame and through self-love and celebration.

Alongside that work is the exploration of consensual non-monogamy.

For definition purposes, consensual non-monogamy is a mutual agreement between partners to explore intimate, sexual relationships with more than one person at a given time.

There are many different types of consensually non-monogamous relationship structures, or CNM relationships — like open relationships, polyamory, swinging, monogamish, solo polyamory, and relationship anarchy.

One of the most common types of consensually non-monogamous relationships for gay men is open relationships. An open relationship is a relationship between two primary partners that allows each person to engage in sexual acts with others.

There's a difference between open and polyamorous relationships — typically centered around the role emotions play in those outside connections. Open relationships are usually more about sex, while polyamorous relationships usually involve more emotional complexities, as well as sex.

So, suppose a couple is looking to start having sex with others (either together or separately) — they'd likely be looking to explore some variation of an open relationship. If a partner wanted to explore emotional connections or interactions, such as dates, they would likely be interested in exploring a polyamorous relationship.

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Why Preparation Matters

Relationship structure and understanding terminology are important, critical, actually, to understanding how to open communication about a potential new relationship structure with your partner.

I've been in open relationships for the past several years, and allow me to be the first to tell you that they are exciting, empowering, healing, scary, activating, triggering, growth-oriented, and radically life-changing.

But entering them unprepared and without support can leave you feeling stranded, alone, and often very, very confused. So, let's start talking about what an open relationship could look like for you and your partner.

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Step One: Ask Yourself the Hard Questions

First things first, I need you to ask yourself why — why am I interested in exploring an open relationship? Am I needing more of something? Am I missing something? Are those things that an open relationship can provide?

These questions are a powerful and personal way to gain clarity, both for yourself and for your partner, before engaging in what can often be a complex conversation.

When you know what you are seeking from an open relationship, you can communicate these thoughts and feelings more effectively with your partner.

Think through the questions you'd ask as your partner. How can this conversation be a building block of trust and open communication in your relationship?

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Step Two: Invite Your Partner Into the Conversation

After exploring these questions on your own, find a time to discuss them with your partner — this is the hardest part.

For many couples, these topics are never addressed or often dismissed during the early stages of the relationship. Exposing your inner-most thoughts, feelings, and urges can be intimidating — especially to the person you're closest to.

Lead with empathy, vulnerability, and reassurance, without distractions.

Start by reaffirming your love for them and the relationship. Then, share your feelings from an "I" perspective.

"I've been feeling the need to broaden my sexual connections. You're doing nothing wrong; this is just a part of myself I would like to explore and learn from. I'd like to talk about what this could look like for us."

Remember, a conversation like this can be challenging or potentially triggering for your partner — especially if they've experienced relationship trauma or have anxious attachment patterns.

This conversation will likely extend beyond a one-time sit-down and may span several days, weeks, or even months.

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Step Three: Define Boundaries and Create Ground Rules

As you and your partner continue discussing the relationship structure that best suits your collective goals and desires, you will need to establish clear boundaries for partnership 2.0.

Each of you should explicitly outline what type of interactions are okay to engage in and which aren't. Get super specific here — this will help reduce any potential grey areas that may cause conflict as the relationship opens.

For example, maybe one of your personal boundaries is oral sex.

In this instance, oral sex with others is okay, but anal sex is off the table (for now). For your partner, safe sex with strangers is fine, but friends or acquaintances are off limits (for now). Opening the relationship is not one-size-fits-all. What works for your friends in an open relationship may not work for you.

There are no right or wrong answers here; what's most important is defining your individual boundaries. Have an empowering and uplifting conversation about boundaries, and give each other space to explain your point of view.

Keep in mind that stipulations can change over time or circumstance. Hence, the (for now). The hope is that the relationship continues to evolve to match y'all's growth and needs over time.

From here, discuss ground rules (approved times, locations, communication). Will these encounters be 'don't ask, don't tell,' or would you prefer to know the details? If so, what kind? Remember, be specific.

This conversation will give you both direction and a starting point for how and when your relationship is officially open.

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Step Four: Experience Will Teach You What Works

Once you establish ground rules, the next thing to do is ... it.

Exploring open relationships is an experiential process — where you only learn what works (and what doesn't) for your relationship through experience. Hypotheticals are one thing, but the actual practice can require adjustments to the plan.

Once you get out there, give things a try, see what feels right.

Change can be scary — even if you are the one who wanted it. Just remember, when you and your partner align in your practice of CNM through mutual respect in your communication, acceptance of parameters, and execution of ground rules, you have an opportunity to come together and continue growing forward.

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You Don't Have to Do It Alone

And if you need support at any point throughout this process, reach out to a CNM-specialized coach or therapist to discuss this journey.

It can be nerve-wracking.

If I can be of support to you at any time, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here for you. You can find me at coachkevmartin.com.

I'm so proud of you for exploring the types of relationships that align with your heart and values, while holding space for the growth and expansion of your partnerships. You've got this.

Love, Coach Kev, MS, CHC, CPT